Ugh! Really struggling in the bedroom. I’m dying for more dominance and intensity, but it’s like my husband just can’t get it. We’ve talked about it a million times, but he defaults to the same four gentle moves every time we have sex, and my body just shuts down on me.
If I don’t say anything, he keeps going and we have boring sex; if I tell him it’s not working for me, he freezes and smothers me in gentle hugs. At that point, it’s pretty much over. We either just stop, or I let him finish quickly without me. There has to be a better way!
How can I tell him in the middle of things that I need more dominance and intensity without tearing him down and destroying the moment?
Okay, your husband is a big ole’ care bear in bed. All cuddly-wuddly, slow and snuggly. It’s sweet, really it is, but … it’s driving you nuts. How do you get him to stop being Barney when what you really want is a little Conan? How can you get a few growls interspersed in the i wuv you’s?
The two of you have talked about it, and he seems to get it, but then once he hops into bed, he’s magically transformed into some big, purple, fuzzy dinosaur. What’s the deal with that?
Sexual dominance is a skill, and like any other skill it can be practiced and learned.
To be sexually dominant, your husband needs:
At the moment, he lacks all three.
There’s a quote attributed to the Navy SEALS that goes something like this:
“You don’t rise to the occasion; you sink to the level of your training.”
At this point, your husband has learned to give slow, gentle, sleepy sex. Kiss this, rub that, insert A into B, his and hers orgasms, and then sleep. This is his training, and so he naturally defaults to that when he’s not sure what to do.
He’s not going to magically transform into a beast without some practice.
He needs to develop a few options for when things are grinding to a slow and painful halt. They don’t need to involve floggers and spikes, but they do need to be a little more dominant and intense than his usual fare. For example …
- Option 1 – Use a blindfold and hold her hands over her head while going fast and hard
- Option 2 – Bite the back of her neck and go for doggy-style
- Option 3 – Run fingers through her hair, pull her head back gently and kiss her roughly while grinding into her
It can be anything the two of you find arousing. Work together until you come up with three or four initial options. You can always add more later on as you become more experienced and comfortable.
Designate a night or two a week as ‘practice’ nights. These are nights when orgasms aren’t so much the goal as practicing the new options. Take away the pressure of failure and just see how it pans out. Give each other time and space to get used to the new moves.
This is the part that takes the most time. As he works his plan and and sees how much the new moves turn you on, he will gain the confidence he needs to gradually add more intensity.
Be sure to respond vocally and enthusiastically to the things that excite you. Your moans and groans will tell him what’s working and what’s not.
The best part is that from now on, you will have the language to tell him what you need without shutting him down.
For example, just the other night, things weren’t working for me and I could feel my body shutting down, so I simply said, “Can we move to Option B?” That was enough to tell him to switch gears, and ramp things up. He did, I kissed Mr. Care Bear good-bye, and much fun was had by all.
I know that you’d rather this all come naturally, and have him just spontaneously pull your hair while he does you in doggie, but … sometimes you have to give spontaneity a little nudge by having a plan.
So, try this tool, communicate a little, and see what happens.