When your guy stops reaching for you, what’s the first thing you do?
C’mon, that’s a throwaway question. You Google, of course. It’s the 21st century; we google everything.
The first step to finding an answer is understanding the problem. And you can’t understand a problem without digging for information. Women invariably find their way to High T Marriage with some rendition of, “Why doesn’t my husband/boyfriend/lover want sex?”
In Top Two Reasons He Doesn’t Want Sex … and What to Do About It, I suggested you do a little digging to find out where his sex drive went, and got this indignant comment:
“Telling women to spy on their husbands. is not only not good marriage advice, but not healthy. This is the worst article I have ever read …Terrible, TERRIBLE advice!!!”
The Worst Article Ever
My first thought was, “The worst article ever?” Really? I mean, there are some pretty bad articles out there.
- Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids
- Women Must Have Their Behavior and Decisions Controlled By Men
- I Was Paralyzed by a Pork Chop
I personally think the one about men controlling women is pretty horrible, and talking about ‘stupid dead kids’ is just mean. Okay, the pork chop paralysis thing sounds intriguing, but still ….
You Have a ‘Need to Know’ When It Comes to Your Sex Life
Is it really terrible for you look into the reasons your husband doesn’t want sex? I don’t think so.
Your husband’s actions don’t affect only him. When you married, you promised to be sexually faithful to him. That makes him your only vendor. If your sole vendor goes out of business, your quality of life significantly changes, and you’re allowed to find out why.
You Can’t Always Rely on His Answers
It seems like it would be a fairly easy thing to simply ask him why he’s never in the mood. Problem is you rarely get an accurate answer. Most people are clueless when it comes to sexual attraction and desire. They have no idea where that missing libido is; they just know it’s gone.
What’s more, since it’s human nature to come up with explanations for things we don’t understand, when his sex drive disappears, he starts supplying reasons … which may or may not have anything to do with reality.
You Have to Play Detective
This means you have to do a bit of detective work. First thing to understand is the vast majority of men have spontaneous desire. That means they want sex for no reason at all. They’re just wired that way. The default position for a healthy, hetero man is to want to jump his wife. His desire doesn’t go away out of the blue.
You Can Attribute His Lack of Desire to Two Main Causes
A man stops wanting sex for two main reasons:
- Low Testosterone
- Porn Use
Sure, there can be other causes … he’s depressed, he’s tired, he’s gay, etc. … but in the vast majority of cases, when you suss it out, either his T levels are less than optimal or he’s diverting his sex drive away from you.
How do you know which it is? You usually have to start digging. It’s a waste of time to make assumptions that lead you down rabbit trails. You need to hone in on the actual causes before you have any chance of fixing it.
You See Some Crazy Stuff Out There
I’ve seen some crazy things happen. One guy I worked with lost interest in his wife when he started getting happy-ending massages. One guy finished his day with ‘masturbation and a movie’ in the bathroom every night before he came to bed. His wife couldn’t figure out why he just wasn’t interested.
The worst is when a guy convinces his perfectly normal wife he’s lost interest because she’s not attractive. I’ve seen women turn themselves inside out to get him interested. Boob jobs, tummy tucks, lingerie, the whole works. Only to find out he’s spending three hours a day with Seven Busty Babes Doin’ It Doggy Style.
One guy went on and on about his wife’s shortcomings and how their sex life was dead and it was all her fault. Turns out he was posting pics of himself on Craigslist modeling his wife’s lingerie with a butt plug stuck in his booty. True story. You can’t make this stuff up. That image is forever burned in my brain.
You Need to be Savvy
You don’t have to be a control freak but listen to your gut. When something seems off with your husband, don’t naively assume everything’s okay, or that the problem rests solely with you.
Sure, make an effort to attract him, but realize that normal men with a healthy sex drive are extremely forgiving when it comes to finding their wife attractive. You don’t have to be a beauty queen, just don’t be obese and keep the facial hair to a minimum.
Do a little checking around. How’s his health? How’s his energy? Is he worried about his erections? Is he protective of his devices? Does he switch screens as soon as you walk in the door? Are all his searches incognito?
You don’t have to be a nut, but trust and verify is not a bad thing. If your sex life has dropped off the face of the earth, look for answers instead of wasting years in a dead bedroom when you don’t have to.
What do you think? Is it okay to dig into his devices when he stops wanting sex? Or is it an unfogivable invasion of privacy? Have you ever done it?