Ladies, Stop Sabotaging Your Sex Life

I don’t know what it is lately, but I keep seeing women in low T or low sex marriages who are actively sabotaging their sex life in various ways.

For example, a woman commented the other day that she was really in the mood for some re-connection time with her husband. They hadn’t had sex in a week, she was getting fairly desperate, so they made plans for a nice evening. He made dinner reservations and she had visions of being pounded into the mattress after dinner running through her head. But …… it never happened. Why? Because immediately before they went out, she offered a quickie to her husband on the sofa, he accepted, had an orgasm, and then had absolutely no interest in sex for the rest of the evening. And she was really upset that he had sabotaged the evening.

Or another woman who has a low T husband who won’t get treated. She is chronically sex-deprived, but frequently offers up bj’s and quickies to her husband. He makes the most lame-assed initiations and does little to arouse her and yet she feels guilty if she doesn’t respond to him.

Or yet another woman whose husband doesn’t do the things that attract her and yet refuses to read the Primer or even discuss the matter with her. She continues to have sex with him even though she is not really attracted to him and she remains dissatisfied with the level of passion in their marriage.

I’m trying to keep this from turning into a rant, but ladies …. if you believe in peace at any price, the price of peace gets higher and higher.

If you give a Lazy Bear Husband exactly what he wants while he makes little to no effort, he will never change and your situation will never improve. Seriously, you just have to stop doing this. You are being your own saboteur.

This isn’t rocket science. Until someone becomes dissatisfied with his situation, he is not going to change. That’s human nature. As long as your husband is getting maximum sex for minimal effort, he will not feel the need to do the things that attract you.

Athol Kay has written about this here and here. If all you do is talk to your partner about feeling dissatisfied, while at the same time you continue to accept crappy behavior, every word you say becomes a DLV. They quickly realize that you will accept the status quo and you words sound like this to them….

So, how do you get your husband to realize you’re serious and start making an effort? The same way the guys do. Actions, not words. Stop talking to him, and start taking actions that make him realize that you will no longer accept the status quo.

The thing that is holding you back is …. fear. You’re afraid of conflict, you’re afraid of your husband being mad at you. You’re afraid that he’ll withdraw his attention from you and give you the silent treatment. You’re afraid that if you are honest with him and let him know that he’s not doing the things that attract you, he will be angry. That’s the heart of it.

Until you get over that fear and start to be honest, nothing is going to change. So, go on. Stop being afraid, stop talking and take action.


  1. JellyBean says

    Hmmmm, at least one of these stories sounds like it could be about me! 😳

    I think my real takeaway messages from the quickie-before-dinner experience are

    1. Although things are much better between us lately, I have to be careful that I don’t facilitate a slip back into previous unhealthy patterns


    2. Being more conscious and aware of my motivations and desires in the moment can only serve me well


    3. No more quickies if I want a follow-up “slowie” a few hours later.

  2. The Bad Wife says

    I allow my husband to be a pathetic weak man in the bedroom because I want sex more than he does. He is a lazy bear who wont seek T therapy.

    I’ve maxed out on my girl game (thanks Athol and regularly get asked out by men 10 years my junior – but yes I know that nothing more than sex will come out of those relationships so I dont think of jumping ship with them).

    Is there something I can take to stop my obviously higher levels of testosterone that makes me so desperate for my husbands penis?

  3. The Bad Wife says

    Or is there something I can do? I masturbate daily to stop the desire to jump him (it’s been near impossible to stop)

    Sorry to all the other readers if this may be too heated for this blog.

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